October 25, 2006

9 Months?! HA, I Say

Posted in Buggle Bite at 10:27 pm by Momma

Any OB doctor will tell you that a full term pregnancy is 40 weeks long. So, I ask all the smarty pants’ out there to enlighten me as to how 40 weeks=9 months? I’ve never been a math whiz, but aren’t there 4 weeks per month, and 4 times 10 equals 40? So where did this whole 9 months thing come from? My doctor didn’t even know, but he did approve my math! As most of you know my TEN month pregnancy was not all roses and butterflies so instead of dredging up painful memories I will leave you with this and skip ahead.

Aidan’s First Photo

Aidan’s First Photo

July 21, 2006: I am not being heard by my normal doctors, so I call Sitka Medical for a second, any opinion. I get in to see Dr. Chelius and explain my hellish itching, to make a long story, and a four and a half hour appointment short…

The diagnosis: Cholestasis of Pregnancy!

The plan: Deliver by 38 weeks. How far along am I? 37 weeks, 3 days! Induction is scheduled for Tuesday morning (Daddy’s 27th Birthday) at 8 am.

Being induced takes all the guess work and agony out of waiting! Mommy has never been good at waiting for anything; Christmas, Birthday’s, and if you read the last post Baby making! So, this plan worked great!

July 25, 2006: Daddy and I wake up from the last “Buggle-free” night of our lives. Finish packing, take some video of how happy Mommy is to be hours away from delivery and are off to the hospital!!! We arrive there at 6:30 am, check in and wait until 8:45 when the Doc decides to show up. They give me half a pill to “get things going.” And we wait a little longer, and longer, and even longer. We have various visitors. TT brings Daddy some birthday chocolate chip cookies. We wait some more…

1:30: The doctor shows back up, checks me: 1.5 cm! Yippee!! I get the second half of the pill, and continue to wait…

2:00: Mommy hops in the jacuzzi. SOOOO comfy, but BIG mistake. More visitors, Mommy sneaks a bite, okay two of TT’s cookies. Mommy is starving! Daddy’s subway offer number one.

5:30: The doc checks me again: NO PROGRESS!!! What??? The jacuzzi that pruned me all up also stalled my contractions. Damn jacuzzi anyway–I knew it had to be too good to be true. Nurse Rose, hauled me out of the tub, ordered me to my hands and knees and Daddy to “Rub right here” on my back.

6:00: This hands and knees position sucks! It’s no where near as forgiving as the jacuzzi! Contractions hurt! Daddy tries to get me to focus, and calm down: Subway anyone?

9:40: “I GOTTA PEE!”

“No you don’t just relax, you’re finally calm.”

“I GOTTA PEE!” I maneuver my large self off the bed and waddle to the bathroom, stand over the toilet and whoosh…

“I’m NOT peeing, I’m not peeing!”

“Yes, you are. It’s okay–look you are.”

“It’s not pee, I’m not peeing.”

“OH MY GOD, did your water break? Oh my God, your water broke! NURSE!”

After this point my memory fades a bit, remember the part where I said, “contractions hurt?” Well, I wasn’t lying and things have only just begun.

10-ish: Nurse Rose rigs me up in a new position: on my knees, facing the back of the bed. Contractions: STILL hurt! Doc comes in and explains my “options for pain management.” Eff, at this point ANY option works for me. This is what I hear: “blah, blah, you know SEARHC doesn’t offer epidurals, but we have an intrathecal, blah, blah, but wait, blah, blah, you need to have an ‘ace in the hole’, blah, we can give you something fast acting and short lived in your IV to take the edge off…” YES!!! I don’t give a damn if you knock me out with a frying pan, or run me over with a bus, just give me something!!! Nurse Rose inserts a needle in my IV shunt and I feel a burst of cold in my hand. “The edge is NOT taken off, and Mommy begins her mantra: “These drugs suck ass, Rose, these drugs suck ass!!!” I get another dose in the shunt: resume mantra!

11-ish: Mommy feels like she is 200 degrees, orders all the windows open, and for God sake someone get off your ass and find me an effing fan!!! Daddy! Get me a cold rag–YOU CALL THAT A COLD RAG?! Resuming mantra.

“People, people, help me, people!”
1-ish: CONTRACTIONS HURT! Mommy briefly looks up and sees Daddy bundled up to his ears in his parka, nurse Rose shivering in the corner…oh, well! These drugs STILL suck ass!

“People, people what part of these drugs suck ass do you not understand?”

Doc: would you like your intrathecal now? Uh, yeah or a .22 if you got it! They call the anesthesiologist who, takes for FRICKEN EVER! He comes gives me a shot in the back, and let me tell you it’s NOTHING like the movies–CONTRACTIONS HURT! Sometime in the next hour: I NEED TO PUSH!!! A feeling that every woman in labor can relate to–when it’s time to push, leave me the eff alone, get your half ass, edge taking off drugs away from me and get this thing out!

“No, no not yet you still have a tiny bit of cervix left. You don’t want to aggravate it, and make it swell.”

“I don’t? HA! And don’t even talk to me about swelling!”

“You need to get through four more contractions before you can push.”

“HEY!!! Did I mention that these lame ass drugs you gave me SUCK ASS?”

One, Two, Three, FOUR!!!

2:28: Still on knees facing the back of the bed: one push, two pushes…nurse Rose gets right in my face and says: “Jennifer your job right now is you flip over, FLIP OVER on your back!” I remember verbatim! Mini push, and then with one mondo big daddy push at 2:30 am July 26th our lives were changed forever!

Aidan James!

Subway anyone?

Wanna laugh your ass off?



  1. Auntie Manda said,

    You’re my new dooce!! These last two stories have kicked much ass! 🙂

  2. Brenda Christensen said,

    Jen this is halarious! I can totally relate!!! you did such a good job though! call me! ~B~

  3. Desiree said,

    hey girl. love this site you have here and loved the story. i also laughed my ass off!! you did such a great job recounting all the wonderfull feelings you were experiencing, oh, i’d like the name of that drug b/c i’d love to have it for whenever i give birth!!! did it work? 🙂 beautiful boy by the way,

  4. grandma Fava said,

    Happy Birthday Aidan!! That story was great! Casey just get her the sandwich will ya already!! We all have this wonderful new man in the family! He has got so big already where does the time go!! Love you grama and grandpa Fava

  5. laura said,

    Hey Jen, my name’s Laura. I’m also a WordPress blogger. Your Aidan is just about the same age as my son, Diederick. 🙂
    Are you liking Mommyhood? I think it’s totally cool! 🙂 Btw, what a cutie!

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